Righty children are you sitting confortably, then i shall begin

Here in follows a tale, which may ramble on for several days and i may get bored with it i dunno, but we shall see

"Fuck me!" John said spitting criossant crumbs all over his cup of coffee, "Run that by me again?"
"It's quite simple," Trev said with some annoyance, as he unfurled the A3 blueprints he was carrying around on the cafe table "Making these sorts of things is very easy and really shouldn't present us with any obsticles whatsoever"

"Let me get this straight, what you are proposing is building a small rocket and going to live on the third moon of saturn?"
"Correct"
"Righto...", munching on his second piece of fried toast, it was dawning on John that perhaps Trev wasn't quite as sane as the phychatrist's report had stated.
Trev had been for various tests after he'd tried to build a set of pubic hair straightners out of nothing more than fishing net, an old pair of dungarees and some fence posts. His claims that it worked flawlessly and he could now tuck his freshly straightned hair into his socks did nothing to slow the porters down when they tightened the straps on the straight jacket.
Looking down now at the plans spread out before him, he couldn't help wondering if perhaps he should have sought a second, or even a third opinion.

Trev stared at him over the top of his half moon spectacles as they slid still furthur down his nose. "Well, don't stand on ceremony. What do you think?"
John allowed this thoght to mull over in his mind for several minutes before answering. He had learnt it wasn't always best to be honest, but humouring Trev was usually a good thing.
"Your starter for 10. What does it run on?"
"Ah, now this is the clever bit. Most rockets run on a mixture of fuels, as does this, but i have managed to tweak the fuel mix in such a way that it will get us to the moon without a refueling stop."
"Handy that. But i hope you realise just how much fuel a normal rocket consumes in a single flight"
Trev looked slightly irritated at this jab on his knowledge.
"Yes, of course i do. 40000 litres on a good day"
"Quite, and where do you invisage 'filling up' exactly? My Tesco clubcard doesn't quite stretch to rocket refuelling."
"Not a problem, i have a homemade solution..."
Thoughts of Trev's last homemade solution to the problem of mould filled John's mind. It had taken several weeks to prize the door open to Trev's lab. He had claimed that it was a mixing mistake and less undiluted prune juice would ease the fizzing, and hence less bubbles. John hadn't been convinced at the time, and still wasn't sure how less prune juice was going to stop the rest of the ingredients, the likes of which included such exotic things as Sodium Teshilynate, Hydrogen Benzote, from blowing a hole in the floor the size of a three seater sofa. That little 'incident' had warranted Trev a three month holiday in Threstletons Home for the Unstable, and it wasn't nearly long enough in some people's opinion.



Join us tomorrow for the next exciting installment of Rocket, my arse! tomorrow

Have fun, and how do they manage to package all the broken biscuits at the end of the packet?

Hmm

Well not much to report today, i just got pissed off at everything and anything that moved... need to be up early in the morning to buy some new gear for this christmas party, and i really should put the car through the car wash to make sure it looks presentable. I'll fill her up whilst im at it too, just in case, you can never be sure...

Oh well im off to eat again, and then go to bed, happy thoughts...

Better now

Marvellous what a bit of sleep will do for you isn't it, well ceratinly works for me at any rate.

Mrs Trellis of North Wales writes:

'Having seen your show about folding napkins and the various uses for it, i wish to ask one especially pertinant question: About how many folds would it take for an average sized human being to succesfully implement and maintain a fully working and completely accurate version of the first airborne hydroponically fueled cheesecake making machine?'

Dear Mrs Trellis,
Wot?

Yours faithfully,
Reginald Greatworthington-Smythe

Just thought you should read the sort of nonsense that gets generated inside my daft head.

Its all good fun, especailly when it all comes together. Word of advice for you though, if its doesn't say chewable on the packet don't.

I made that mistake with a vitamin c tablet the other day.....

And i discovered the soap dispenser at work doles out coconut scented cleaning materials. What fun...except i hate coconut, and i can't get rid of the damn thing. Any ideas on how i can succesfully cleanse myself of cocout, answers on a postcard to the usual address.

'It pays to leave yourself open to opputunities'

i reckon that's sound advice, although you probably already knew that, but i bet you didn't know this - bats are immune to the smell and effects of ammonia.

Anyway im off to do something else, and then possibly something else after that, have fun.

Depression

yes it's official im depressed, not medically confirmed but just disillusioned that nobody loves me.

Its cold outside and im all alone (sigh).

Right enough self pity time to get down to the business of the day, being daft...

Transpired today that work has a christmas party on saturday, which is only slightly after christmas but a distinction that needs to be made never the less i feel. Still not to worry i spose its a reason to socialise with fellow persons and eat free food, so you won't hear any complaints from this direction.

Todays punchline minus the joke is - "ever since that incident with the cue ball, he's had to measure everything since"

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Hopefully i won't feel quite so shit tomorrow after i've got more sleep than the lowly 6 hours i managed last night, far too much pes4 which Dougal will testify is one very good piece of software.

If you haven't come here via the interlink off dougal blog then let me scold you very harshly and ask you to stand.

Those of you standing can sit, and those who aren't can't.

Visit http://jigglingjohn.blogspot.com to read the anguished posts of one of our education systems finest student's. Albeit at aston.

Must dash, cornflakes to eat.

Day Seven

Well got a strange email today apparently from the official playstation forums, although upon furthur investigation it seems everybody got it...

Dear MrBrightside, This email is to inform you that our administrators have suspended your rights to submit new posts on the PlayStation.com Forums.This suspension is due to the use of excessive swearing and strong language in your posts and the inclusion of links to sites that contain offensive content in your posts and will remain in effect until Friday, 14th January 2005. Please note that any future breach of the Forum rules will most likely result in a lifetime ban. If you're unsure of what is or is not acceptable on these Forums, please read the ‘House Rules’, a link to which can be found below and at the bottom of every Forum page.House Rules:Regards The PlayStation.com Team.

So thats a funny one, not to worry though

Portable dvd players caught my eye today until i realised the price of a decent one... so ive popped that idea at the end of my list of things to buy, behind the Isle of Wight and half a cheese mine.

Its all a bit strange and may well be worth looking at. Dunno what but worth a squint at.

Ah well, time for more food, and then watch naf tele and then nod off and get me barnet clipped tomorrow morning, so i've actually got to get out of bed. (sigh)

Day Six

I dunno what happened to day five, i think i slept through it. Either that or i forgot to wake up.

Derren Brown, one of those people that amazes and does it so easily that you suddenly realise that you are amazed and consequently you have to watch it again.

Today was another stunningly boring day at work, and the tedium of society can easily be aided by the playing of certain video games, i.e. Pro Evolution Soccer 4, World Rally Championship 4, and possibly other such sequels with 4 on the end.

Strange how movie sequels seem to get worse, and yet games for some reason improve with progression. Must be something to do with the fact that dropping cesium into a bathtub filled with water blows the tub in two. Quite a reaction compared to rubidium, which just knocks a hole in the side of said tub.

Did you realise you can make petrol out of hemp? Although hemp is related to marijuana, its not actually possible to get high from smoking it, according to various sources. Hemp is very versatile, and you can make many things out of it, the only disadvantage to this wonderful plant is the actual harvesting process. It is damned hard work apparently. Suggestions for hemp usage on a postcard, the best answers will be passed on to year 5 of St. Mary's Primary school, and they will proceed to colour them in. The very best suggestions will be recreated in solid marble and exhibited in the mightly Crystal Palace Exhibition Centre.

Its really not for us to reason why, and if there's one thing you really should remember its this - You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time.

Story's and characters are entirely fictitious and any resembalance to any persons living or dead is entirly coincedental, unless of course it isn't, in which case you will now forget everything you have just read or will read in the near future.

Day Four

Well last night was a waste of blinkin time and effort, blowing a howling gale and could i nod off? er no. Took me until 5 to get to sleep and then i woke up at 10, typical...

Hmm well i think washing ps2 discs does work, answers on a postcard if you think otherwise, always seems to work for me.

Well i'm far too tired to think of any sillyness so i'll report back in tomorrow

Day Three

Gripped! Sorted!

Anyway, its all in the wrist action. Although this wouldn't wash when it comes to choosing a paint scheme for your pheasant shed. Phesants, and grouse, smashing birds, especially when hit by the force of several shotgun pellets.

Shrews, hell if i know where that came from. Lets all stare out the window and wonder what might have been, and what could have happened if you hadn't chosen the path you took. How do we know we chose the right path when we are presented with more than one choice. Simple answer to this is we don't, we are all unique and the way we interpret things is not the same as other people. Crowd's of people can throw a spanner in the works when it comes to making your own decisions, although we don't like to do it the "sheep" factor can come into play and we can all follow everybody else's train of thought and belief.
There are those who believe that fate has foretold the future for all of us, and our paths are predefined and not changeable, and whatver path you choose will be the one already chosen for you by fate. There are many things that we can as humans can think about that other animals do not worry about, should this concern us? Probably not although if you feel the need to wonder about how tiddles thinks and dreams, then do feel free to do this. Answers on a postcard.

When you are thoroughly depressed with everything and your brain hurts its worth remembering this - nothing you can do can change the past, remember to be individual and unique, its your life and your thoughts, there is nothing you need to do you don't want to, and you never need to explain yourself to others, remain postive and let things wash over you if you don't like or approve of them. Follow these simple steps and you too can look like Geoffrey from rainbow! (Requires four token's from special packs of crumpets)

Ah woffle, its all piffle and tosh. Still, worth thinking about though eh...

Day Two

You'll be pleased to learn that my rant of yesterday has finished and henceforce no further rants shall spew forth, not just yet at any rate.

If you're feeling bored why not try this fun and free activity.

Step 1: Grab a torch, any source of illumination will do although a lighter may be a little frustating as you will discover shortly

Step 2: Get an office swivel chair so you can spin around at lunacy speed.

Step 3: Turn torch on, spin and have fun imitating a lighthouse.

(We cannot be held responsible for any ships that you may lure off course or any vomit that you may produce as a result of being very very very dizzy)

Check back soon for more ideas of things to do when you're bored.

If you can come up with the joke that this punchline goes to then you can wave your head out the window - "Axe wound, fish farm"

I may well let you in on the joke if i'm feeling nice....

Day One

Hmm well today saw the complete disinterest in Half Life 2, which started out as a promising endevour into a nice pretty shiny world of polygons and physics, and has ended up as a boring look at the biggest waste of time so far this year.

Yes i admit the physics are worth a look, dropping a breeze block onto a bottle and watching it smash is interesting the first three times you do it, then the physics become tedious and just not any fun anymore. The texturing of walls is appaling close up and for such a widely applauded game engine is beyond a joke. Hmm a smeary wall, they won't notice that they'll be to busy wandering down the most linear game ever released. Hmm where should i go next, i know ill go down here...oh no i can't there's a blue energy shield, which trains can seem to pass through but i can't. So i guess i'll have to go down the only opening available to me which has people in it which take two bullets to the head to stop. Er, righto. Another thing thats annoying is swimming, for heavens sake i can hold my breath underwater longer than Mr Freeman can, and i've got the lung capacity of a asthmatic gerbil.

Next the story, what story i hear you cry, i agree wholeheartedly, it's so full of holes you can drop Mr freeman himself through some of them. Perhaps its because i got so fed up after about 10 minutes playing and didn't actually complete this peice of sofa fluff, that i am left with so many questions, but still, im not really in the frame of mind to give any more thought to the badly scripted and thoroughly worthless "story".

I play a game for fun, perhaps im sad, perhaps i shouldn't play so many games, perhaps i should play more games, perhaps i shouldn't give up so easily, perhaps i should, perhaps i shoudln't be so harsh on what plainly has taken valve many years to put together and really wasn't worth the bother, nor the expense. They seem to have been so preoccupied with antipiracy measures that the game was bolted on almost as an afterthought. The antipiracy measures failed by the way, just in case you were wondering.

I never completed the original which also bored me, so perhaps im not qualified to slag this one off, but in real honesty i think i am. If a game is rolled out with such high acclaim you know in the back of your mind its not going to be as good as they say. Here i think i can quite easily draw the conclusion "pretty graphics a good game doth not make"

Final thought - Coconuts may be more useful than we think

The start of something even I may not be able to control

Well as the right honourable Dougal has now got his own blog on society I though it may well be time to start jotting down some of my madness and thoughts on life and the many things in it.

Over the next several minutes you may well drop off, don't be alarmed this is quite natural when first reading mindless nonsense. Eventually after many attempts at reading, the text may start to make sense. At this point its probably best not to mention this, and just to carry on and pretend nothing has changed. Alarmingly no study has shown any of this to be true, and is pure conjecture on the part of the reader, so anything you or anybody else makes out of this nonsense is copyright of the respective owner and may not be reproduced without express written consent of yourself.

There, now the formalities are complete, check back tomorrow to see just how little my life and the things in it have changed.